listen, peanut

 No one can help you until you want to help yourself. There’s no one in this world that can change your life, your future, your feelings, and the consequences of your actions but you. There’s nothing easier than blaming others for your problems, blaming other people for the situation you’re in, feelings that you feel, but let’s face it, our problems are solely our own fault.

Or they can be someone else’s.

I admit I’m going through a hard time, right now. My heart feels like someone drilled a hole and dipped it in acid. Not dilute acid, concentrated, hot bubbling acid. I’m so stressed that I can’t eat or sleep. But I’m holding on because I have hope. I have a feeling that we’ll get through this because this is just the beginning of life, and it’s supposed to be shitty. Our brains aren’t fully mature, they think useless thoughts and make us feel irrational feelings, but despite all that, there is a glimmer of hope to hold on to.

I’m completely exhausted, I don’t want to think these things, I don’t want to feel this stuff. There’s nothing worse than feeling empty, worthless, surrounded by nothingness. And at times you may feel like the world hates you, and everything is your fault, but it isn’t. You can’t control the consequences when you have no choice. You feel like you’ve lost all respect from everyone you know, and everyone close to you hates you but there’s always one person, at least one person who doesn’t. And you need to hold on, for that one person.

That person might be trying their hardest to fix you, they might be trying their best, despite feeling like a worthless piece of shit. They might want to fix things for you because they don’t think you’re a lost cause because you’re that hope for them. They’re still holding on because of you. Have you ever thought that they might not have a reason anymore except you? Except for the hope of saving you and hoping to get you out of the mess, you’re in?

Even if you feel like there’s 0 chance of you recovering, that there’s no way back, there’s nothing to live for anymore, that the thing you called home was torn away from you and now you’re in such a grey area that there’s just a blur of feelings that all merge together and you don’t know any emotion anymore and you’re just full of emptiness and despair and you just want to end it and die. There’s always a person who cares, a person who’s holding on because of you. Because you exist, and because you’re so lovely, and selfless and charming and loveable that they can’t ever not love you. They have seen a side of you that no one has.

And because they have seen that, they know who you are. And they hate the mask you hide behind. You don’t have to act strong in front of them nor do you have to say you’re fine. Isn’t their holding on because of you reason enough to live? Because that person is rooting for you? They’re striving for a future where you’re happy and loved, and you’re just fighting that.

What’s the use of not helping yourself? You were made for a reason, you’re still alive for a reason, you went through what you went through for a reason, and that made you strong. That made you so fucking strong that you can rise up again and nothing can shake you anymore. Nothing can bend you anymore because you faced all that alone and you should be proud that you’re living through it and surviving. And survival may seem like a tedious task when you initial begin your journey towards healing. But time heals things.

Time will heal you, the person who’s holding on because of you, they will do everything they can to heal you because they want nothing more than to see you happy. They want nothing more than you see your life fulfilled and see you succeed. Because they love you, and they want the best for you and they can’t bear seeing you this way.

But this can’t happen unless you give them a chance. This can’t happen unless you let them help. Why do you think you’re unworthy? Why do you think you’re a lost cause? You’re not.