Shitpost - Don't read this if you don't want to

 Hello, long time no see. I have been very busy lately, juggling housework, studies, life, and all.

Anyway, let me introduce you to a new friend I’ve made over the time I was missing. Say hello to Wrath everyone! Wrath is the embodiment of fury, murder, and hatred. He lives in a little cave above the raging sea of Misery in my brain. Wrath has shown his face many times over the previous week or so, so I thought I’d write about him.

I’m talking about anger in exaggerated terms of course. I’m not the kind of person who gets angry easily but these days this emotion keeps popping up in my daily tally of feelings that I keep track of. Let me explain. (This post will mainly be me making sense of the jumble in my head, sorry to put you through this).

I never get angry over trivial things. Broken cutlery? Alright, we can get a new one. You bumped my car? Istok we can get it repaired. You stabbed me by accident? No worries, I’ll just stitch it up myself. Like, I don’t care about things enough to get angry over them. That used to be a problem because my nonchalant attitude made me lose valuable things but but but now, I get irritated easily.

Over the last week or so I’ve gotten into numerous arguments, fights, squabbles, and yell-till-you-cry situations. Tell me to cut onions more than twice and I might just chop off your fingers. Tell me to do the laundry when I’m not in the mood and I’ll hang you upside down on the laundry line. I think it has something to do with the fact that I’m starting to enjoy wasting time.

My routine (well un-routine) is messed up. I can’t sleep without taking pills so most of the nights (like tonight) I’m awake and I’m free all night. I usually sit and start to read a book. Now, once I start a good book I can’t keep it down until I’ve finished it. I started ‘The Kingdom of the Wicked’ by Kerri Maniscalco (I hope I’ve spelled that right) last Saturday at 6:00 am. I finished it at 3 pm and started the next book immediately after. All my responsibilities were forgotten, all my duties were shoved into a moldy cabinet, forgotten for the day. And this happens most of the time.

Let me be brutally honest with myself. I am an adult now. I have a mom, who’s ill and retired. I don’t have a job, no source of income to support my household, so the least I can do is lessen the burden off her shoulders. I’m living off of the limited funds my father left me and whatever comes from my mom. If I’m neglecting my duties I’m being less than an ideal daughter.

Coming back to my anger situation, why do I get angry, is it because my duties put an end to my entertainment? Is my entertainment important? I admit that I get addicted to things very quickly. For example, ahem, don’t hate me for this, but, I waited 6 months for The Witcher Season 2 to come. And it finally came (CAN WE TALK FOR A SECOND ABOUT HOW GOOD IT WAS? OH LORD I CAN’T WAIT FOR S3) on 17^th December. I watched it, promising to watch it a little at a time to not have to wait so long for season three but YOU KNOW WHAT?!

I finished the goddamned season in 2 days. That’s how bad I am. I have zero self-control.

Now that I think back about things that made me angry, some of them feel justified. I’ll list them down… you don’t have to read them, but then again, if you have made it this far it means you do really care about me because seriously what the fresh hell is this post?

1. My Netflix subscription ended, and I’d been begging (for 7 days) to pay what was due. When I lost access to the account, we finally called and the bank told us it would take 2 hours because the system was down. Okay, acceptable.

There was a wedding on the same day, (I hate weddings) I assumed there wouldn’t be anyone I knew because they were our cousin’s cousin’s cousin. Now correct me if I’m wrong but I’m pretty sure this is how makeup goes on. Concealer > foundation > eye stuff > highlighter > lipstick. In that order right? How the hell is that too much makeup? Too much makeup would be bronzer, eyelashes, that powder stuff you put on to ‘bake’ your face (seriously? Is your face a cookie?) contour. There was a big fuss that I dresses up like a ‘married’ woman and I should do my makeup like an ‘unwed’ one.

Excuse you, do married women have horns? Or different facial structures? Makeup should really come with a ‘for married women only’  label because this sounds like pure bull-feces to me. Also, people who say ‘giRlS dO makeup tO attract mEn’ should get toilet cleaner drained down their ears so their brains can get a power wash. Makeup is done for self-love, which is important for men and women alike. If you want to look pretty so you can have more self-confidence there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with that. (Go ahead and pee on the haters).

Anyway, I had a very important decision to make that day which enraged me so much that I ruined that night for everyone. I was supposed to go to that wedding, barefaced, or else I won’t get my Netflix back. I don’t even leave my house without eyeliner and you’re asking me to go to a freaking wedding without any makeup on, flaunting my acne scars and my pretty acne just so I could watch my favorite shows. What is wrong with you? (I didn’t go, but my tantrum bought Netflix back)

2. You read too much today, so no internet access for you. Sigh, this one really irks me. Look, I love reading, I love watching TV shows. I don’t like being bossed around, I don’t like hearing the word no. Or else I get really really cranky. Or sad.

I read a book for more than 8 hours while making chapatti while cooking while cleaning, and chopping veggies. I did my work alongside reading, I don’t see a problem here??? But apparently doing work while doing something you love is wrong and immoral and you need to be punished so no internet.

We have a portable wifi device that my mother hides during the day and I only get access to it when I get my chores and prayers done. Which is usually around 4-5 pm. But god forbid if I read a book during the daytime ‘NO! YOU’VE ALREADY WASTED YOUR TIME! YOU WON’T GET YOU FILL WITH INTERNET TODAY!’

*Aurora zelaire accidentally bumps into a truck and dies*

I’m just rambling, aren’t I? Let me just say this, I get angry, and I keep getting angry. I keep getting very sleepy too after my anger episodes. And it isn’t the ‘yell-till-you’re-calm’ kind of anger,  it’s the kind of anger that makes you throw things and punch screens. I was THIS close to punching my monitor yesterday because I was so mad. I don’t know why this is happening too much but  I have a good guess why.

Look, I’m no angel, I’ve my share of mistakes. Mistakes are only mistakes when only you know of them, when others know, they turn into scandals. The thing is, my family knows of my mistakes and they don’t let me forget either.

(Vulgar alert:) IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE MY HEAD IS STUCK BETWEEN THE BUTTOCKS OF A SEXUALLY ENRAGED GOAT.

My biggest concern: being confronted in front of people who don’t know. It’s mortifying. And the fear is showing itself in the form of lovely old Prince Wrath.

I’m honestly so drained after writing this, and I’m not in a very good place mentally, so I’d like a little support. I have no idea what the point of this post was, or when I’ll post again but stay tuned.

Have fun, and go watch the Witcher (it’s amazing!)