Diamond in the Rough

 This is the 1000^th time I’m telling myself that this attempt at writing a blog isn’t futile. It’s not because of the two cups of coffee I had at 12:00 am. It’s not because of my brain is like an overloaded hard drive that is about to crash. It’s not because my mom is yelling at me to go to sleep and my irrational teenage hormones are telling me to just write write write!!!

Anyhow, welcome to my blog! I’m Aurora (which obviously isn’t my real name – I don’t want anyone to find that out). I have no idea what this blog will be about, I don’t have any plans to make a LOT of people read this, because my posts mainly consist purely of brain vomit.

I’m an A Levels student currently struggling to find balance between study time and free time. I might have ADHD, but my doctor won’t tell me for sure (I definitely read it mentioned in my file when I snooped around a bit), so my attention span is really really low. I’m telling you this because I might abandon this blog at any point, so don’t have any hopes. *wink*

Oh, also, I’m addicted to k dramas, and studying Korean as a foreign language (it’s definitely not because I’m head over heels for Lee Jong Suk) (okay it might be because of that, I don’t know at this point). K dramas are what make it super hard to divide my study time and drama time.

I don’t use the internet much, only for taking my classes and watching shows on Netflix, so you can assume I’m living under a rock. I wasn’t always like this but life ends up shoving you in unexpected places. I was a really laid-back, back bencher kind of student throughout my O Levels (IGCSE). I had a good social life, which at the time I thought was the only thing that mattered in life – to be recognized by people and liked by everyone who knew me. But as I grew older, I realized I don’t need approval from people who knew me, mainly because people won’t be entirely happy with you no matter how hard you try to please them.

I came to a conclusion then, I cut off everyone who knew I existed (apart from my family, which, believe me I’d LOVE to do but that’s impossible). I decided that now that I’ve become an adult, I’d start over a new leaf. I detoxed by spending 1.5 years away from the internet. In this time I read books, discovered new music, then decided music wasn’t really my thing, then I got deep into religious studies and medicine related subjects.

Gradually, I started using the internet again, but this time instead of going on Facebook and Instagram, I just limited myself to Netflix, Coursera, and many news websites. I did research on one of the greatest female personalities in Shia Islam, and began to write a novel on her life (which I gave up halfway because you know, what I said about abandoning this blog abruptly J). I learned about cultures and universities. I spent hours and hours watching surgical operations and autopsies (I have a strong stomach, unlike most girls, I even eat while watching these things and my sister constantly looks like on the verge of throwing up) (not that I’m bragging or anything). I decided that medicine was my passion and I wanted (really badly) to become a doctor.

Finding my passion in life was really hard though. At age 13 I wanted to become a lawyer, then a graphic designer. At 17 I planned on going into commerce and becoming a chartered accountant. When I was in school, we visited a really prestigious medical university in my country.

While we were there, we looked at the labs, and research methods. We met medical students and saw the libraries. I was always into studying the human body, because I really think knowing your body inside out is important, so ever since I was a smol baby, I read books about animals and plants, books on anatomy and how the body works. While sitting there in the large room with two dead bodies lying in a corner under a white sheet, I decided that I would serve humanity by helping people get through their ailments and manage their pain.

So I decided I’d become a neurologist. The most amazing thing in the human body is the brain, I mean, think about it, a small wrinkly grey mass that controls the way you talk, think and act. It defines you, gives you a personality, often makes dumb decisions that make you want to pull your hair out when you look back at them (and the brain stops you from doing it because ouch!).

Why am I talking about this? Partly because my internet is down and I’m bored and really want to finish the episode of K2 (the drama I’m watching) but partly because, I feel like the life most people live now is fruitless. Not that I’m disregarding everyone’s efforts to be a functional, successful human being, but…

Ugh, look. When I cut everyone off, including my classmates, friends and online friends, I realized something. I didn’t have an aim, or a sense of self. I wasn’t taking care of myself. My thoughts weren’t my own but largely influenced by what other people said. My opinions weren’t mine, they were what everyone else thought was acceptable. I wasn’t… me.

I threw away my phone, my ipad (which I miss very much). I told my mom to get rid of the wifi in our house and only used her phone in case of emergencies. I only kept contact with one person, who is my nephew and a very dear friend of mine. I only watched TV when I had absolutely nothing to do. I found stress relief through prayers and cooking.

Also, I discovered some of my hidden talents during this period of isolation. I call this period of my life as ‘the great depression’ (which wasn’t actually depressing, I was very happy during this time and did things I loved, but it might be depressing for you, dear reader). I found out that I’m really good at chopping vegetables (my onion slices are paper thin), I also found out that I run really fast and I can throw some serious punches. During this time I learned self-defense, I learned how to drive, and found out I can drive a car like a fish in water when I’m in tight spaces. I learned that I could lucid dream at command and slept whenever I needed a magical break from real life.

I’m writing all this because I want you to take a break too, and discover what you might have hidden beneath your skin that would surprise you, like I surprised myself! It would be a pleasant little Easter egg for you to find your hidden talents, and they don’t have to be big!!

For example, you can probably move your ears without touching them and you don’t know it. Or you could sing really well, or have a very flexible body. Maybe you can lucid dream too! Yes, it is hard to do what I did and it took me a lot of patience. I often cried at night because I missed my classmates or felt lonely at times because I didn’t have anyone to talk to. Or sometimes I wouldn’t have anything to do at all and considered studying (I dropped all studies for a year and a half after my O levels). I missed my phone at times and cried because I gave away my precious ipad which I had for only a month. I regretted my decision sometimes but in the end, I discovered myself, I was happy, and it was worth it.